“I don’t honk in my sleep,” I told my husband.

“Yes, you do.”

He told me to get some of those strips that you put across your nose to help reduce snoring. I’m game, but I said, “It might not work. I’m fat and I can’t sleep on either side very well anymore so I have to sleep on my back.”

“And honk.”

“I do not honk!”

“Yes, you do.”

Fine. I went to the store and perused the remedies. I found some sprays and what little I read surprised me. Was my husband supposed to squirt my throat or give me a shot up the nose when I snored? I wasn’t about to give him that kind of power. Happily married couples don’t give their spouses the power to blast them with anti-snoring spray just willy-nilly. And knowing my husband, that kind of power would go straight to his head.

I’d be lounging on the sofa watching my favorite show when all of a sudden I’d get a blast of anti-snoring spray in the face.

“What’s that for?”

“Just testing.”

“But I’m not snoring.”

“You honked.”

“Yeah, that again.”

So I studied the boxes of strips. None of them guaranteed a thing and I figured since I was at the ‘honking’ stage of snoring I definitely needed something far superior. That’s why I chose the nose rings. Yes, I did because there comes a time in a married person’s life when they love their spouse so much they are willing to try the ridiculous just to please their beloved.

Besides, I’m afraid of the dark and can’t sleep without my husband in bed and he was threatening to sleep on the sofa unless I found a way to stifle my nightly Canadian goose call. And, the box guaranteed that their product blew all the others away. Pun intended?

As it turned out the nose ring really worked and I didn’t snore at all. It kept me awake most of the night because I forgot I was wearing it and kept swatting my nose while my husband got the best night of sleep in his life.

I, on the other hand, had to listen to him snore all night long, if that’s what you want to call it. It sounded more like somebody trying to start a weed whacker. At least I can honk steadily and not have this burst of sound like ripping sheets, followed by dead silence and then another quick burst. Who can fall asleep to that?